Aunt Bethany: Oh dear, did I break wind? Uncle Lewis: Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell, No, she means presents.
Clark Griswold: I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany.Įllen: Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that. Aunt Bethany: Don't throw me down, Clark. Uncle Lewis: At least it's out of its misery!Īunt Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark? Clark Griswold: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights. Clark: Lewis? MY TREE! Uncle Lewis: So What's the matter with you? Clark: Look what you've done to my tree!!! LEWIS! Art: It was an ugly tree anyway. I mean 'nippy out.' What am I saying, nipple? Ah, there is a nip in the air, though.Ĭlark: 'Tis the season to be merry. Clark: Yes, oh do I? How'd that happen? Mary: Because it's cold out? Clark: Yes, Yes, it is a bit nipply out. It is warm in here, isn't it? Mary: You have your coat on. Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Mary: For your wife? For your girlfriend? Clark: Uh. Mary: Can I show you something? Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling.
Clark: When have I ever done that? Ellen: Birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations. Įllen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to. Todd Chester: (angrily) You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that, Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big? Clark: Bend over and I'll show you. Clark: That's all part of the experience, honey. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.ĭialogue Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down. Ellen Griswold: Welcome to our home - what's left of it.Ellen Griswold: I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.Audrey Griswold: Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?.Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, it's best to just let 'im finish. You don't want him around if you're wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. He's cute ain't he? Only problem is, he's got a little bit a Mississippi leg hound in 'im.If you don't mind my askin', how much did she set you back? Clark, I'd like to try to fumigate this here chair, it's a good quality item.I got the daughter in the clinic, gettin' cured off of the Wild Turkey, and the older boy, bless his soul is preparing for his career. I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.Tha right there is a RV, I got it off my buddy of mine.If that thing had nine lives, he just spent 'em all.Remember, don't try this at home kids I am a professional. Going for a new amateur recreational saucer sled land speed record, Clark W.
I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here! With a big ribbon on his head! And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! HALLELUJAH! HOLY SHIT! Where's the Tylenol? I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one.And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas.
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